(insert metaphor about six in a row here)

Today was my sixth A.A. This makes six days sober. This was a different type of meeting I had not been to before: an Anniversary Meeting. This meeting allows those celebrating a milestone period of time sober a time to speak and they are alloted more time than in regular meetings.

All meetings that I have attended, besides this one, have a nearly identical format. The meeting starts by describing the purpose of A.A. (helping people stay sober), the fees due (none), the requirements to join (a desire to stop drinking) and a speaker is introduced. This speaker tells of some of his experiences, troubles, and how A.A. has helped him.

The floor is then opened up to short, usually two to five minute, times for any member to speak. No topics are off-limits as long as it relates to drinking, desire to drink, or stopping drinking. People talk about family, friends, A.A., food, vacations, depression, suicidal thoughts, and any other topic imaginable. The members are either chosen by raising ones hand, or a round-robin starts at some point in the circle. If round-robin is the method, the last fifteen to twenty minutes are held aside for someone who wants to speak but was missed.

The meeting ends with words from a founder of A.A. being read and the whole group holding hands and saying "Live and let Live" together.

It may sound hokey. People who have done 12-step may say "where is your highest power," "when do you study the steps," "who is your sponsor," "where is your chip," or a half dozen other questions. My answer is "This is working for me. This is helping me."

I didn't slip yesterday. I haven't slipped yet today. I'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

Like Carl Lewis at the Long Jump

I have a four-peat!

Today was my fourth consecutive AA meeting and my fourth or fifth day of sobriety. It depends on how you count: do I start on Saturday, the first day beginning at 12:00am where I didn't have a drink, or Friday, when I didn't have a drink after I woke up (my last drink was at somewhere around 3AM. Understandably I am a little fuzzy on the exact time)? For ease of counting, I may just call it four AA meetings and four days of sobriety.

My days are not the hard part. I spend them with my dad or my wife. I help Robert at the Jewish Home, walk with him, keep him company in a strange environment and run whatever errands he may need. Joycelyn and I watch TV, cook dinner (that's more her than me. You would understand if you ate a meal made by both of us as to why), and enjoy married life in a city as wonderful as New York. I attend my AA meeting in the evening. I watched the NBA Finals and enjoyed the game quite a lot.

I, generally, wasn't a daytime drinker. That was one of my innumerable excuses as to why I couldn't be an alcoholic. It is very hard to explain to someone without an addiction problem the rationalization process that goes on in your mind to convince yourself everything is OK, but the following may give you some insight.

I didn't get my first drink until the evening, so I didn't have a problem.
I didn't get "really" drunk every single day, so I didn't have a problem.
I didn't get hangovers all the time, so I didn't have a problem.
I didn't get as drunk as "real" alcoholics, so I didn't have a problem.
I didn't get blackout drunk all the time, so I didn't have a problem.
I didn't get into legal trouble, so I didn't have a problem.

I didn't get it.

Habits are hard to break and habits involving drugs are very hard to break. In New York City, a drink is never more than $1 and a couple of feet away. I'm very proud of what I have done and indescribably thankful to all that have helped me, but doesn't mean there won't be some times that are hard. I am an adult, and if I decide to drink, I can.

I must make the choice not to have a drink every minute of every day. Some days are harder than others and some minutes are harder than others. The last few hours, after the game ended, has been very hard for me. I even watched the post-game bullshit just to keep busy. This is because the hardest time for me is after Joycelyn has gone to sleep when I'm still home and not ready to go to sleep. I'd usually be three-quarters loaded by the time the NBA Championship was won. It's because I'm just here, essentially by myself, and wandering minds are dangerous. No one can watch over my shoulder 24-hours-a-day.

This is why every AA meeting I attend adds to my collection of phone numbers associated with first names and last initials. I get handed business cards with the personal cell phone numbers 60 minutes after being met by essentially a stranger. Some business cards have the person's name and the business they work for. I've had a card or two where the person's name is part of the business name like Meyers from Jacoby & Meyers. (This is alcoholics Anonymous, so NO I didn't meet Jacoby or Meyers! I would never out someone like that, but it's an example most can understand.)

I get a phone number and a name. And then I am told to call anytime. If I need to talk, if I am thinking about a drink, if I'm just lonely. It's for the dark times. I've been told some AAs spend as much of the day in meetings as they can for they feel safest there. It sounds strange to need to feel safe in this fashion, but AAs generally fear alcohol and what it will do to them if they slip. I face my fear every day when I visit Dad, but sometime those consequences seem distant and some booze would make the problems seem that much further away. Things seem so much easier when I'm drunk, despite how much harder they really are. All your cares are washed away as you make that horrible decision that, in reality, adds to those problems.

This post may have seemed to start out upbeat, and get progressively worse as I continued to write, but that is the furthest thing from the truth. When I started writing this post I really wanted a drink. I know I could have woken Joycelyn to keep me company, but I didn't need to. There is a reason this post actually got happier as it continued, despite sounding darker and darker:

Instead of fixing everything with a bottle, I made the choice to write about it.

Every word you have just read represents me choosing to type and not drink.

I don't want a drink anymore and that makes me happy. I think I'm going to go to bed now.

I didn't slip today, and I'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

Have Cane, Will Travel. Wire AA, San Francisco

Today's physical therapy had a new twist: new in that Robert was allowed to use a cane during the session. He has been pushing for this and complaining about only being trained with the walker. His walking is improving daily. One of his main concerns is walking in environments outside of the Jewish Home. The floors are perfectly flat, no ups or down and no carpets. He often walks with his feet very close to the ground; basically shuffling. This leads him to trip going up curbs or when he walks between overlapping carpets. The are going to take him outside and have him walk up steps and deal with carpets. This new training will aid him greatly in his home life.

There a breakthrough today, but not in the physical recovery arena. Possibly influenced by my joining AA, Robert has agreed to not drink when he gets out of the Jewish home and join AA. He is starting to realize how important not drinking is for his health and future. We are so proud of him and will be with him every step of the way, as I know all of our readers will be!

AA Meeting the Third

Today was my third AA meeting so far. Joycelyn joined this meeting, as support. It again was a wonderful experience. The AAs loved my wife coming to have my back. It was quite a good meeting and we went out for Chinese afterwards. It even got us a free ride 66% of the way home from a kind AA!

I didn't slip today, and I'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

The True Stairmaster and Guilt Worthy of the Best Yenta

Dad had a double physical therapy session today. (more likely physical and occupational, but meh) There was walking, standing, sitting and stairs!

This was incredible tiring and difficult for dad, but made it up and down a full flight. I reminded him how stairs are just like walking, but more stressful on the muscles and balance. I'm quite proud of the work he is putting in, not to end a sentence with a prepositional phrase, which I won't, Mom!

I informed dad I went to AA yesterday, how it went, what went on and that I thought it was helping me. I also told him I would be leaving from my visit early to make my Sunday meeting. I went over how important not drinking was to me and my loved ones. My reasons were: I didn't want to develop health issues, get memory loss or shorten my lifespan; reducing the time I get to spend on this Earth with those who care so much about me.

I can be a bastard sometimes, can't I?

Blog Name Change

I have changed the name of the blog to more reflect it's dual nature. I may create a second blog just for me later, but I'm not sweating the small stuff right now. Also, there is likely to be serious overlap between the two.

The new name comes from a story told in my first meeting. The AA said:

"A Native-American chieftain was conversing with his son. The child was asking about how to be a good man.

"The father said 'Everyone has two wolves inside of them, battling to control our actions: one good, one evil.'

"Worried, the son asked 'How do I make sure to stay on the right path.' 

"Showing his wisdom, the elder man said 'Feed the right wolf' "

AA LGBT Alphabet soup!

I went to another AA meeting today. There was just as much acceptance and support as the first one. I was a little worried about not being welcomed, I will admit, as this was a LGBT meeting. Breeders are encouraged to join, but there was some trepidation.

This proved to be totally unfounded. They were as caring, accepting and supportive as one could ask for.

I didn't slip today, and I'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

My First AA Meeting

Yesterday I went to my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. It was a small group, around ten or so, in the Art room of a community center. As Robert is, I am not much for religion and, this being something much featured in AA, I searched for a group that would better meet my father and my needs.

Enter Agnostic Alcoholics Anonymous of New York City. They are a collection of AA groups who put the emphasis on the twelve steps, downplaying the God part therein. They like to say the G.O.D. they have for a higher power, guiding light, spirit animal etc are the meetings themselves: Groups Of Drunks.

I found acceptance, trust, and a true willingness to help others. Like Planet Fitness spouts in their advertisements, this was truly a "Judgement Free Zone©". They listened to me tell some of my problems, my concern for my dad and my decision to join. It warms ones heart and provides a sense of self-belief when people who have been sober so long applaud my statement "Hi, my name is Peter. I am an alcoholic. I have been sober one day." I got the same applause as the person celebrating three years.

I would like to thank all who read this blog for the support and belief in Robert and I. Make no doubt: this is hard. But with the people around us: some I barely know, some people we love and some I haven't met yet, we have a chance!

I don't know if this is my magic bullet. I know myself and have no illusions: I might slip.

I didn't slip today, and I'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

Bargaining. Which One of the 12-Steps is That?

Robert has as a perfect plan: a compromise between sobriety and drunkenness. This will allow his liver to heal and him to continue to drink. He has it all worked out to a 'T', and is holding fast to his perfect arrangement; he will buy a bottle of Gin Joycelyn and I will hold. We will measure out two Martinis worth of booze a day and he will stick to this arraignment, drinking nothing more. He promises: pinky swear!

Ignoring the fact he tried this six months ago, and ended up in the hospital after who knows how many falls.

Ignoring the delivering liquor store that has his credit card on file.

Ignoring what will happen when Joycelyn and I can't make it for a day.

Ignoring the dozen bars within walking distance of his apartment, no matter how feeble one is.

Ignoring the countless counselors, friends, family members and loved ones who *know* this will not work.

Hope springs eternal;
Unfortunately so does disappointment.

And in this instance, disappointment means no more dad. There is no way of knowing which drink will kill Robert. The only thing we know is there is a drink that will kill him. It may be his next Martini. He may have five, or fifty, or five hundred. The number is unclear, but the result is the same.

Hard Admissions About Alcohol

Today we had an incredible breakthrough: Robert admitted he could not be trusted to control his intake of alcohol. This is a huge step, one I have just made myself.

It is very hard to say "I can't trust myself" and this admission is personally hurtful, to me, and I cannot imagine how this feels to my dad.

His admission came with a "compromise", something every addiction counselor or patient knows all to well. "I know I can't handle this, but if we just do _________, all will be OK". This works about as well as the snake oil we all see on late night TV or the next "Weight loss without diet change or exercise" fad. He would let Joycelyn and I to have the bottle, and pour him his two regulated drinks a day.

Two problems:

1. This won't work. Ask any AA, NA, or real addiction counselor and they will tell you this has an equal chance of success as winning PowerBall. It doesn't happen.

2. He WILL cheat. Eventually, some day, at some time he will want a drink when it is not scheduled. And in NYC with a credit card, you don't even need to get off your couch for a bottle of gin, vodka, rum, tequila, wine, champagne or porte to be delivered.

The point one should take from this is:

Robert admits he had a problem.

This is so epic, I cannot describe my job. Ever day he is in the Jewish Home is a day closer to what he needs: a life without alcohol, a life that will soonishly include grandchildren and a life of Opera, plays, musicals and happy 5-Star meals with family -- the reasons he moved to NYC.

Physical Therapy & 12 Steps

Dad had his physical and occupational therapy today. He is complaining they are being too soft on him! I like the fact he is taking his physical recovery so well. I am planning on being there early AM tomorrow and converse with his recovery team. Maybe we can convince them to push dad a little harder.

On the other hand, Dad's substance abuse counseling is not going so well. According to his MD, has cardiac team and the physicians at New York Presbyterian, the musculature degeneration, his badly damaged liver and his dangerously weak heart is a direct result of how much he drinks.

As one can imagine, it is very hard to admit there is an aspect of your life you have no control over. Things would be OK  if dad could limit drastically what he drinks, but that just won't work.

When I moved down here, dad's GP, Dr. Hollenberg, told us Robert was in real danger of liver failure. All the test results showed a liver in distress. Dad cut back, a lot. He limited himself to two drinks a day for the next two months. We went for another battery of tests and the news was good! Robert's liver was healing. That ended the two drinks a day limit and the downward slide was swift. Hence New York Presbyterian.

Joycelyn, Robert and I had a tough conversation about this tonight and we think we made some traction. We can only hope Dad can see there is a problem and admit there is only one possible solution.